【Mystery Archives】

In Puerto Rico right now,Mystery Archives 60 percent of people don't have access to potable water. It's only natural that the President has decided to allocate all of his resources to the cause that needs it the most: the Dallas Cowboys.

Trump's attention span is notoriously limited -- this is, reportedly, a man who won't read national security briefings unless his name is included multiple times -- and Puerto Rico's humanitarian crisis is growing by the day. 80 percent of their crops are estimated to have been ruined. Power may not come back for six months or more. An aid package isn't expected to arrive until mid-October, far too late for folks with struggling with depleted oxygen tanks and unrefrigerated insulin.

It's time for Trump's parents, aka Daddy Kelly, to put away his toys and ask him to be a good boy now.

SEE ALSO: Hurricane Maria plunged Puerto Rico into a humanitarian crisis, and help has barely arrived

Last night, the President blamed the island's current crisis on its debt -- not, you know, a hurricane -- and later claimed that "food and water" were doing well, whatever that means.

Here's how we can get him to focus on an island that desperately needs his help.

1. Throw a huge military parade with army tanks in the middle of the island. Let him toot one!

Credit: antoine gyori/Corbis via Getty Images

Big boy Trump loves nothing more than seeing big scary tanks and trucks go honk-honk!

2. Draw his electoral college victory map in the sand.

Spotted: A map to be hung somewhere in the West Wing pic.twitter.com/TpPPDyNFtE

— Trey Yingst (@TreyYingst) May 11, 2017

3. Lie and tell him that Obama refused to go.

"Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner" - President Trump Credit: chip somodevilla/Getty Images

4. Let him hold a campaign rally there.

Via Giphy

This election won't end until we're all dead.

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5. Include a golf vacation as part of the deal

Credit: mike ehrmann/Getty Images

¡Trump le gusta el golf!

6. Have "Chuck and Nancy" talk with him about the crises over Chinese food

"You can get the extra order of fried rice if and only if you sign at the dotted line." Credit: alex wong/Getty Images

7. Tell him that Putin thinks that Puerto Rico is where all the cool leaders go

Via Giphy

All the most popular authoritarian presidents hang out in Old San Juan.

8. Give him an extra scoop of ice cream in return for visiting

Via Giphy

Three scoops! And if he's extra good, he gets to go to Six Flags for his birthday.

9. Have him sign an aid package and tell him its a new travel ban

Via Giphy

This wouldn't be the first time Trump signed something he didn't totally understand.

10. Have a plane skywrite "Trump" over and over again across the island

Credit: nicholas kamm/AFP/Getty Images

Move over, Trump Hotel. Introducing: Trump Colonial Properties.

11. Warn him that the "Little Rocket man" is now after him and watch him flee to an island "nobody knows about"

Via Giphy

12. Tell him that Puerto Rico is a red state

Chances are he doesn't even know its part of America. Give the deception a chance.

Fake news will always be the fastest route to his heart.

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